Each Way

There have been some serious changes in my life in the last year. My world view has been changed, my interests have exploded, the world laid out in a huge web of wonder in a way my youth seemed oblivious too, or perhaps has been waiting for.

Yet something has been weighing on me. An odd sort of pressure I feel the urge to fix, or even to run from.

I have a husband who loves me.
I have a house to live in.
I have no University Debt.
I have good friends and family.
But...

I don't have a career. I don't have a car. There's no next step in my ladder and I'm paid, in the last couple of jobs that I've had, a little over minimum wage.

And I feel like I'm making some terrible error in front of everyone. I'm the poor one. I'm the odd one. I'm the empty of purpose one. Like there's something I've done wrong, damaged. Why hasn't she climbed the structure? Why hasn't so much money been spent on furthering her education? Why wont she do these things.

I suppose its because I've made my decisions on things that made me happy, for the long term. My job choices have often been to make me feel good. I want to be happy in the place that I work, because the thought of working in a bitter environment is something really off putting, more than anything else.

It all makes me reserved and almost ashamed and not at the same time. I am happy to work in a place where everyone comes in happy and hungry for friendly, pleasing conversation. Where those from all walks of life can mellow at equals, grow or feel comfort. I don't save lives but the things we sell them make a little light in their hearts grow. I am happy to work in a place where my employer and fellow co-workers make me feel like I am welcome, and we make each other feel valued.

Perhaps I'm worried I've made some people ashamed of their directions in life and if I ever have I am sorry. Everyone's way is different and different portions of their lives come in at different times. Children first, career first or home first. Its all different and what makes the world turn. Some things happen that we're not planning for, or feel like a better direction.

I don't like talking about my career direction right now because I feel like I'm being looked down upon, that I'm not building something. The looks and the careful phrased questions made me feel like I was wrong. But for me there are other important things. I know I can't retire on a plane ticket to another country. But that ticket led me to the best thing ever, and that best thing and I are going to build a life together our way.

I could be reading this all wrong.

We wont be rich/wealthy, but we'll be happy. I can sleep well with that feeling.