No Space of Ones Own Devices.

I want a slice of some space that really feels like mine and the room in the hostel is the only thing I've got. Everything else, everywhere else, is not mine. Its mine by another hand, by another person and I'm left with no space, only things and things with no place of their own. In the same reason you dislike going to the hostel, I have to love that little room because its a spaced carved out for myself. ME. When people go in and disrespect that it causes me distress, because I worked hard for it. I gave up a lot and I changed a lot about myself in that room and to get that room And now, with this half way between I'm anxious.

You give me so much by calling your house ours and it is ours because you and I are WE but I'm still left with corners and spaces.

When people paint and chose the colours of my walls, it frustrates me.
Here is this thing I know you will like. I know you will, but I haven't told you. I haven't asked you, because in the end the space, while holding your name isn't yours. So I give white wall after white wall my things to lean against to make my own. Create and love and then have it changed again. But even then, even then...

Perhaps it is why I make so many stories. World upon world can be my own, walls, towers, cites, mountains, they can be this place to hang my ideas, my person, and be a face, and a presence that isn't always building upon the backs and labours of others.

Perhaps I am dramatic. Perhaps in this new passage of my life I've not sat back and seen anything else other than myself being strong. I've become the characters I've so wished to be. Stronger, wiser, kinder. Their ink-made blood runs through mine.

Does a space need to be my identity? Do I need to have it to mark my place? Perhaps I want the things that I've made for my identity to have a home. The things I've looked at and held because they have come with me, they have looked back when I've laughed and cried to myself, when I was my own Iron fortress, with cold high walls. Perhaps I want to have a home. A space to call my own.