In Light of Failure

I didn't make it.

I failed the contest I've always managed to get in on the first round.

Here, I thought, was one of the really great pieces I wrote in the last year. It was vivid, to me. Full of direction and motion. Capturing movement and hinting at more, I loved the piece. Two reasons for that. One, it was from a dream. So those actions and descriptions were written, in a way, from experience.

Two, its one of the few things I've written since 2013 I've been particularly pleased with.

Its writers block.

Chronic, coupling with that realization as I hit my late 20s that I'm not as successful at teenage me would have liked to be. I've gone on about my career before but mostly it was bolstering the idea that career is not the main focus in life but I never thought of my writing as a career. It was just a part of me.

Frantically, I glance about the internet for a career I could jump into with out breaking the financial bank with reeducation, whilst still in the midst of moving across the ocean where international rates of learning are astoundingly high.

Where should I be now? Why am I not where I thought I should be and why do the words not come so easily.

I proposed to my Oma, who is always a source of encouragement with my writing, on the idea of taking some creative writing courses. Her reaction of "You should do it with out all that.", stung.

Stung because it struck at the reality of what was happening. Self doubt. Its seeped in me. Of course I can string words together as an adult, better than I ever could in my fervent writing years. But as nothing has come of it, confidence in my ideas and ability not just to string the words together but to contruct a foundation, the plot! began to waiver until I'm betting on old horses, and fires from before.

Really, its my first 'no' I've ever gotten, this contest failure. The 'no' from the outside world really was as loud as the 'no' I've been telling myself for so much longer, amplifying the self doubt.

Aspen Valley: A Lovely Excursion

For a donation upon entrance, Hailey and I got a good look around the place, seeing lots of animals.

Monty the Bobcat, the only one I recall the name of.

Two Sisters

When you leave

When you leave the house,


Will you take your hat and coat?

And will you take your paddle and boat?


Will you remember to kiss your girls,

And tell your son well done?

Before the light grows dim

Before the moon sets in.

When you leave the house?

When you leave the house,


Will you remember which road you took,

Or will you remember the pocket book?


Will you recall the friends and calls,

Or the black dog who loved you, despite it all,

Before the light grows dim

Before the moon sets in.

When you leave the house?

When you leave the house,


Will you recall the spills and falls?

Or will you recall them not at all?

Will you recall your mothers love

And mind that your sister is alright?

Before the light grows dim

Before the night sets in,

When you leave the house?


When you leave the house,


Will you remember the time you had?

When you ran the river, wild and mad?


Will you recall the sweet words your wife said,

Did you kiss her before the door?

Before the light grows dim

Before the night sets in,

When you leave the house?

When you leave the house,

Will you turn out the light?

And please remember to say good night?


- For Opa

Insides

Can you hear it? The empty sound coming from inside me? Can you hear the terror? The small creature filled with fear, scrabbling at the walls for a way out! There is none. Its trapped. Stuck. Fucked. Didn't do enough in life. Made the wrong choices. Picked a wrong path.

Not good enough. Not good enough.

The words won't even work right. Stumbling over each one. Why do I keep yammering over nothing? One liners just to fill a little void in me. I sound like a stranger to others and I'm left in the shadow of my own words feeling a fool. Feeling alone.

But I work so damn hard! I, this small creature feel like I work so hard. Never enough. Not enough fuel for the fire.

You'll starve!

I let it all sink in, like a sponge. All I want is for the world to be happy, so that perhaps then, I can be happy. 

Perhaps then ....

I Wore Your Shirt Today

I wore your shirt today, the one you toiled in.

Your smell has faded, but I know you were here.

It doesn't fit. It hangs off my bones.

But it looks better than all the gowns, finer than my own clothes. Rags.

Anything a designer could lash together pales against your shirt.

No Gucci for me.


It renders the body

I become glamorous in one breath, and in another closer to you.

I am where you stood. The thousands of miles do not ebb.

There is no vanishing distance. I can see it plain.

But for a brief time in the agony of early morning,

where I cannot find you, or your smell in the warm covers,

my pains are eased.



I wore your shirt today, my love.

Fan babies.*

One of the Green brothers announced he and his wife was having a baby.

I am excited! Why the hell am I excited? I don't even know them! But I want to know everything about it! Will it be a boy or a girl? What will its name be? Sci show will have parental leave breaks. Vlogs on spwan. What colours to babies need? WHY AM I SO EXCITED?????

http://www.gettincraftystampin.com/2015/07/so-excited.html

Is this what people who follow William and Kate felt like??? Am I a fan girl??? Is my maternal clock ticking? Jesus, no way body! I can't do babies right now in life. Christ, I didn't even eat dinner to night. it was a bag of freaking popcorn shared between me and two dogs.

Life is strange.

.... A train of thought piece at 7:40 in the evening.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_EqhhEvU4M

https://soundcloud.com/dearhankandjohn/056-is-it-going-to-throw-up



*I am not having or will be having babies for at least 4 to 5 years. No babies. No preggies.

Bear Poles

I know a few people who read this do some camping but my Canadian camping experiences have been limited and largely noneducational.

But I've been planning a road trip and some of it will involve camping.

Thus I have researched bear poles. A thing I didn't know was a thing.

And because I did not know it was a thing.

Bears are a problem for those in places with bears. While predators, they are more omnivores than anything, akin to pigs in that they'll eat what ever is tasty and easy.

Thus campers present tasty home delivery if they leave their dinners and goods out. So bear poles and other related bear deterants are used to hide or lock away food from their clawing paws.

But the above image is still what I think when I think of bear poles.